Good Grief – Really, is grief ever good? It doesn’t feel good.
I haven’t been doing well lately. This past week has been difficult as the reality has hit us (again) that Jon isn’t working – and it is becoming more difficult daily. He has now applied for jobs out of his field (Costco, LCBO and looking at other retail). And because he has almost always worked in his field (video editing and multimedia editing) he doesn’t have a lot of experience to get into the retail world. That’s where we are with that.
The other thing that has been difficult for me is surrounding the kids and motherhood and parenting. Jon and I were talking today and we figured out what it was – I’m actually grieving. I am grieving missing the infancy of my children. It may seem weird to you, especially those of you who have not adopted. But I’m grieving the fact that I missed the baby stage. Amaris came home a week shy of 8 months – and she was still a baby…. But she wasn’t a newborn. And then with Makai’o I missed it all – the first smile, the first tooth, the first steps, the first words, the first giggle, all of it. Jon is fairly pleased we missed the colic and 3am feedings… But still. There is that sense of loss. Who knows, we may have another child, we don’t know that right now – and we have no plans with more family. We are so pleased with the 4 of us as we’ve always said the world is made for a family of 4. BUT I am grieving the missed parts of my babies’ lives.
We had a meeting with our caseworker this week that ended up being really helpful. These feelings really hadn’t surfaced until after this meeting – but we did ask if she could give a little push or nudge to Kai’s foster family to complete and give us his life book. He is getting to the age where he wants to and deserves to see pictures of himself. It makes it tough to talk about his past with nothing for him to look at! We only have a book that is the first 7 months of his life but we don’t have anything between January 2009-April 2010. That’s a big chunk of Kai’s life we’d like to see!
Kai has just cut his 2 year old molars – the tops ones. He’s been “off” for the last couple days but he’s been cuddly which I’ve loved. The crying I haven’t loved – but the long hugs… yes.
I’ve also have had a cold for 12 going on 13 days. I’m so done with feeling sick.