Around lunch time I received a call from the caseworker letting me know that they had already found an adoptive family for Boom. She didn’t tell me much about them other than they live in Hamilton, they already have a son (who was also adopted privately as an infant) and they want to have birth family connectedness. THANK GOD. The downfall to this happening so quickly is that we wouldn’t be able to meet her before she went to her adoptive home. Then the timeline was pretty much up in the air as we would have to wait until the adoptive family was ready to meet all of us. Our caseworker did say that she would help facilitate those plans… But good and bad news all wrapped into one.
At this point I felt joyful that she will have permanency so early, then I felt disappointed that permanency isn’t with us. I can’t help but feel like she is part of this family, cause she is. My children are her siblings. It’s really quite strange all of these emotions. Feeling and grieving a loss to something that was never yours. “Losing a baby” in a very different way. At least she will be part of our lives in some way shape and form. Because my children are at crucial developmental ages, because we have a tight budget, because I have a young business, because I was afraid I would have been spread too thin with three children, because we were afraid, because of jon’s new job that includes a commute (and therefore 2.5 hours less of daddy each day) because we didn’t feel as though we could “pull it together” for an infant joining the family RIGHT NOW, my children’s sister will be living in another home. When we first heard about Baby Boom we said we instantly wanted that baby. Logic came part of the decision making process, and nervousness and fear arose. And we made our choice. And now she is going to another home.
About 20 minutes later, after I was speaking to the caseworker, I received a call from the kids’ older siblings parents. Baby Boom is in the same foster home that the older kids were in. She was calling to say that they were going over to have a visit with the foster home and was wondering if we would like to come as well and meet Baby Boom before she went to her adoptive home. WOW. The said at 3pm. It was around 1pm. That was in 2 hours. I looked around at my house and said it can be cleaned later – I am going with Amaris to meet Baby Boom. And off we went.
Boom. She’s beautiful. I was able to meet her yesterday. Just yesterday I met her. Our would have been 2nd daughter, our 3rd child. It all happened so quick that it is almost strange that it happened at all. I am not able to share videos or pictures, but I would LOVE to. She is alert and responsive, smiley, and looks like an exact mix of Makai’o and Amaris. She looks most like Makai’o out of the 4 children.
She slept for the first 15 minutes we were there and I just stared at her. I asked the foster mom tonnes of questions about her and what she’s like and pretty much – the perfect baby. I took some pictures and had to restrain Amaris from kissing and hugging her constantly since she is in that “BAYYY-BEEE” loving stage. Once Boom woke up (probably because of Amaris) I was able to hold her – for about 20 minutes. She snuggled right in there. Luckily I held myself together. The older siblings arrived and we all said hi and gave hugs and I could feel myself getting emotional. I had to pick up Makai’o from preschool – and I’m glad I had the excuse, so we said our goodbyes, took a few more pictures, then I walked out the door and burst into tears.
I don’t expect people to understand this unless they have been in the same situation. Heck, I don’t even understand it. I was sad that Jon and Makai’o weren’t there to meet her. But that was one tiny house, and if we had anymore people in that living room I would have had an emotional overloaded, claustrophobic, panic attack.
I have my 7 pictures and my 40 second video. And I will look at them regularly as I pray for Baby Boom, her new family, her new big brother, and thankful that they are close by and that there will be some kind of relationship. Now, it’s Tuesday, and I continue with my everyday life…. And grieve this perfectly beautiful baby girl.