Adoption Excellency

First of all, my kids are white, I know they are white.  I’m white, our family is white.  But this is the best adoption video I’ve ever seen.  EVER.  #$%@ People Say to Transracial Families.

I got the idea for my post from Rage Against the Minivan and Kristen’s post here, which included the video above.  I also want you to read Kristen’s other posts here and here about what NOT to say, what NOT to ask, and the questions that drive us all mad.  So good.  I realize I re-post a lot of Kristen’s writings.

I also know that I’ve written a post about these things before, but the video was just so good I couldn’t help but re-post.  We always pictured our family being multiracial and I always pictured myself as a mother to children of another race.  So even though my kids are caucasian, this resinates with me.  And it’s hilarious.

Please don’t ask those questions.
Please don’t be that person.

Learn, absorb and then change.

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2 thoughts on “Adoption Excellency

  1. Totally agree Andy, though I have to say, I think there is a lot on the web about this and most of it is really harsh towards the question askers.

    I consider myself pretty adoption-literate and have still asked many of the questions that you and Kristin both say are taboo. I think what strikes me in a lot of these posts is the negativity and harshness towards the person interested.

    I think a lot of people are more open to adoption and interested today than ever before, and that is AMAZING. But there are still many many questions and adoptive families are the role models and examples people have to turn to. Sometimes their (*our*, I’m including myself here too) questions may come off as a bit nosy or ignorant, but I’m sure they’re from a good place and deserve grace.

    It must be frustrating to have to field questions that you consider inappropriate so frequently, but I did find some of your provided answers (and similar answers on other adoption blogs I’ve read) slightly harsh. The world is rightly and increasingly learning more about interracial adoption and open adoption and foster care adoption and every other type of adoption (praise God!), but we’re not all experts 🙂

    • Thanks for you input Em. I’ve been thinking how I can respond to this… Cause I agree and disagree all at the same time. First of all, as a follower of Christ and as an advocate for adoption I always try and to graciously understand where the person is coming from. I always find that out first to see how I can appropriately and kindly answer the question. Most people are just curious, and I have no problem telling people that the answer involves information that we keep private as a family, and that information belongs to our children. That usually is about 75% of the time that I have to say that. Most people are satisfied with that, and many apologize for being intrusive. I would say that is about 90% of those people understand that…. I am usually ready to answer with my “what I usually say” answers, but being as human and flawed as I am, I still get angry sometimes with that lingering 10% of people’s insensitivity, especially when it comes to infertility and the children’s past.

      Since we have recently moved to a new city, making new friends, going to a new church, more of these questions have come up in the last few months as it’s “new” to the people around us. That’s why I am writing about it. Also, since my children are the same ethnicity as I am, we don’t have the obviousness of adoption as many families who adopt interracially. But from the age of about 14 I always pictured myself parenting children of another race, and though that’s not how it all turned out, I am have a lot of friends in my adoption circle where this is their story. And I feel as though it is important to me, because I am an adoptive parents, and those are my “peops”.

      I never actually say my “what I think” or what you may read as harsh – I was going more for more witty and a little bit of ridiculous… So hopefully I didn’t offend, but more educate, that others need to be slightly more considerate when they are asking questions about other family’s adoption – and let the family lead the way on what information they will and won’t share. And if you are in the place of asking a question, let the person know why you are asking. If someone is interested in adoption, then I am happy to make a coffee date to share our experiences and our overall story, but I am still firm in what I won’t share about my kids. I am very protective of my children and their story.

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